On the seventh day, God rested, and Chuck Norris said, "Get your lazy ass back to work." So he did

Chuck Norris ran X-Country in high school. He was the varsity captain and set a school record, California to Maine in less than a day.

Volcanoes stay dormant in fear that Chuck Norris is near.

The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: "kill" and "fuck your girlfriend."

While serving in Vietnam one Christmas, Chuck Norris mistakenly shot the Grinch and napalmed Who-ville.

Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.

Chuck Norris found a box of matches labeled strike anywhere. He proceeded to roundhouse kick a cow in Patrick O'Leary's barn, it fell into a lantern, and that is how the Great Chicago Fire started.

Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them under pen-names to hide that they are autobiographical.

Chuck Norris once had a passionate affair with a turtle. The result was four sons named Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Raphael. Historians later invented some story about ooze and a talking rat because they felt it would be more believable.

Chuck Norris is the only person to have won an Oscar, Grammy, Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe, and SAG Award, all for the same performance, "Best Fuck".

Chuck Norris can bend the space-time continuum. In the year 4512 he successfully ripped the asses off 100 men, fucked 160 women and shat a turd the size of Manhattan, all from the comfort of his La-Z-Boy recliner in 2007.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

If you feel like you're having a bad day, just think about all the poor souls Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked.

Chuck Norris knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you've been bad or good and if you aren't watching Walker Texas Ranger right this goddamned second you'll find out what the true meaning of "holiday spirit" is real quick.