A young woman turns to the priest sitting next to her: "Father, may I ask you a favor?
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"Of course, my daughter, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother's birthday, and I'm afraid customs will confiscate it. Could you carry it for me through the green lane, under your robes?"

"I am willing, but I must warn you... I do not lie."

"With your honest and honorable face, Father, no one will even ask you."

At the airport, the customs officer asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The customs officer thinks this is a strange answer: "And what do you have to declare from the waist down, Father?"

"I have a wonderful instrument designed for a woman's use, but it has, until this day... never been used."

The customs officer bursts out laughing: "Move along, Father!! Next in line!"

Tell you what I know about dwarves.
Very little.

If anyone here is thinking about getting married, consider the following before you do
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The dentist and the manicurist had a rough marriage.
They fought tooth and nail...

I just returned from the National Condiment Convention.
It was wonderful to ketchup with old friends.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Lim Ping.

it finally happened. The stars aligned at the dentist today.
I was at the front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good, what time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I locked eyes with her and slowly grinned.
"Are you telling me my dentist appointment is literally Tooth Hurty?"
She completely lost it. I've officially peaked.

If you cant afford to visit Scandinavia, I have a plan that will help.
Start saving some cash, figure out when youll have enough money, Denmark it on your calendar.

Whats a ducks favourite Mexican food?
Quackamole

What kind of phone will you never see a doctor use?
An Apple.

What do you call a Chinese-American cameraman?
Phil Ming

Why did the optimist leave the horse farm?
He had to get away from all those neigh sayers.

I know a Polish sound engineer
And a Czech one, too

Need an ark?
I Noah guy.

I refuse to make puns about seeds.
Just sow you know.

My 8-year-old daughter started crying on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
As my coworkers gathered around to check on her, she sobbed, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

After cleaning out the shower drains in our house, I made my wife a pair of shoes out of the junk that I found.
She loves her new clogs.

I created a dad joke!
I saw a video on YouTube last night about a guy who made a timepiece for your wrist out of granite.

It was a hard watch.

Why do Mom kangaroos hate it when it rains?
Because the kids have to play inside.

The Coyote once tried to catch the Roadrunner by booby-trapping one of the keys on a piano with an explosive. Which key was it?
C4.

E-bikes (didn't realize it until I was saying it)
My boy has been telling us for months about how he wants an E-bike or some other cool electric scooters. My wife and I were looking at websites. She says, "I don't know why these things cost so much!"

Without missing a beat, I said, "I think it's because they can charge it!"

ETA: Apparently a lot of people are thinking we're horrible people for considering buying one for our kid. We're not even thinking about it. We've told him that he can buy one with his own money after he's 18. We were just wondering what the fuss was about when we were looking at them, ourselves and saw the ridiculous prices.

Why do Russians make great weatherman?
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

When birds fly in a V shape, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
...because there are more birds on that side.

Haha! For those in Central Alberta, keep your eye out for the Sandhill Crane migration! It's really incredible to see and hear them.

Happy Sunday!

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.