What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...

My wife and I decided we dont want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there

I think its a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thats just my two scents.

I realized the best name for your car is Link.
Not only is it a Zelda reference, but every time you park, you can say you left Link in Park.

(I just thought of this one today.)

People wonder how my broth manufacturing business took off so quickly. Well, I'll tell you the secret... We started adding yeast to all of our products.
That's what really caused our stock to rise.

Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.

A man was found angrily screaming in the anti-perspirant aisle at Walmart
He was in the middle of a deodor-rant!

Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.

I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.

My dentist said to stop grinding my teeth.
Or shell stop the examination and take away my finger skateboard.

My wife asked me if Id seen the dog bowl
I didnt know it did

Where do gay coffee beans go to find an online hookup?
grinder

I'm trying to remember a word . . .
Are there any tricky, gimmicky ways to remember the word "mnemonic"?

Where did the IT guy go?
He probably ransomware.

I paid NASA $500 for an industrious little insect who just got back from a space mission.
That's ex orbit ant.

Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.

Police believe it was poachers.

My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"

What did the monkey say after his chicken got stolen?
Macaque!

I once had a teacher who either would teach, or he would not.
He was full of taughtologies.

I don't know what Finland has to do with my browser
From time to time I get the message 'Finish update'

Help
I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now.

what happens when you breath through your arse ?
you sit down and die

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.