Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?Because one more would be too farty (240)
I'll see myself in
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson
He said, But Dad, your name is Brian. I said, Yeah, but I was named after him not before.
A boy gets up for Show and Tell holding a picture of his mom, dad, and baby sister. The teacher asks, Is this your immediate family?
The boy says, No maamtheyre always late.
My doctor said I should run three miles every morning before I go to work.
So I quit my job.
If being incredibly sexy was a crime, I would be in jail....
for lying on my tax return.
My dog is actually a mathematical genius
I asked him "what's two minus two, boy?" And he said nothing.
Which country is the most angry?
Ireland
My most favorite pun ever: Why do you seldom hear puns about steaks?
They are a rare medium done well
Whats the longest word in the world?
Smiles. Theres a mile between each S :)
An unemployed man is getting desperate to find employment. He is low on options and decides to try the zoo he knows.At the zoo, the hiring manager tells the man, we have a full compliment of staff now but, and I only tell you this because we are desperate, if you are willing to wear a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla in their habitat, Ill pay you as much as the other jobs.
The man, desperate, asks for clarification and says, are you kidding? Is this a joke?
Zoo Nope, I am serious and you can start now.
The man spends a slow day in the gorilla habitat and gets braver by the hour. By the end of his first day he is imitating the noise and mannerisms of other gorilla s.
On his second day he runs about the habitat making noises and beating his chest.
Feeling great about working, the man climbs the tree in the habitat and swings gently from a branch.
By the fourth day he is all-in. Hollering, grunting, scratching, swinging in the tree and having a great time when suddenly, he pushes the limits and falls off the branch into the lions den.
Screaming at the top of his lungs for help, he runs to the place as far from the lions as whimpers when a lion saunters up to him and whispers in his ear, shut up, if anyone finds out, were all out of work.
My wife says.....My wife says that we aren't buying any more produce in support of the striking farm workers!
I'm like "Ok, but who's going to support the ugly ones!"
Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups".
I told my daughter how to speak to people who were wrong about the rapture.
I told her to be kind and comforting, maybe try and help them see it in perspective. After all, its not the end of the world.
Did you hear about the Pikachu who didn't want to evolve?
He had forsaken the path to Raichusness.
The music from Mortal Kombat actually originated from Nordic Churches.
It's a Finnish Hymn
My 10yo came up with this one: Which country has the highest population density?
Pak-istan
Where do you take a sick pig?
To the hogspital!
My podiatrist put me on Viagra.
He wanted me to stand more erect.
What do you call a pyromaniac who hates bills?
Bernadette
Ive been asking people about the quality of my new sound system.
So far, Ive received a lot of feedback.
My wife asked if I noticed that one of the trees in our backyard only pollinates the tree next to it.
I said, YeahI think it practices mahogany.
Why do shoe makers go to heaven ?
They got good soles !
What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?
They get a bit flush.
What word contains the most bs?
Hive
What do you call a friend who likes math?
Algebro