Just had the best sex of my life, with a nun
Holy fuck!

Worst solar eclipse ever.
One star.

Why doesn't Trump think the Epstein files are a big deal?
It's a minor problem.

How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Use spring water

A Target employee dropped a mannequin arm today and couldn't pick it up. Naturally, I stepped in
As I handed the detached limb back to her, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."

Neither she nor my wife gave me even a smirk. I am officially seeking emotional support from Reddit.

My wife thought it was sweet when I said "Nothing comes between U and I"
But I was just talking about my keyboard.

I just made the funniest joke of my life and this guy I work with just stared at me like I was furniture
I was carrying a carton of eggs out of the store and somehow managed to drop the whole bag. Eggs everywhere. Absolute crime scene on the sidewalk.

Some random guy walks by, looks at the mess and goes, Damn, thats rough.

I just sighed and said, Yeah guess I really scrambled that one.

He blinked at me for a solid three seconds, said okay, and kept walking.

Ive been laughing about it alone in my car for the last two hours, but idk maybe it wasn't that funny or it was just him.

Why hasnt Bigfoot ever been spotted in Europe?
Europe only has Bigmeters

I know what turns your girlfriend on
The power button.

Yo, what up, Im DJ Basket
wicker wicker

I saw a bunch of batteries gathering in a circle this evening...
They were having their AA meeting.

What did Snow White do after she sent her pictures away to be developed?
She waited, hoping that some day her prints would come.

I failed in that gymnastics competition and I have no one to blame but myself.
It was all my vault.

77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.

This
A dad joke I like to play on my wife and kids, I will write the word "this" on something and then call them from the other room to come have a look at this, or ask if they've seen this?

The looks of pure derision and the eye roll I get is worth it every time.

Dad, can you explain how a solar eclipse works?
No son

A math lesson
There were 3 medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years.

Finally, the 3 kings decided they would send their knights out to do battle and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone was also preparing for battle.

Bur at the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight with his squire.

The squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing a meal while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the knights at the three camps sent their squires out to fight, having decided it was too trivial a matter for them to get involved.

The battle raged for an hour.

When the dust cleared the only person standing was the lone squire from the 3rd kingdom, thus proving the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other 2 sides.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm?
He's all right now.

I showed up in the stock room just as my boss had finished putting away a new shipment. He pointed at me and said I was like a blister, showing up after the work was done.
I told him that was a really calloused thing to say.

What do you call a lying, fascist mathematician?
Fibber Nazi

Anti-gravity
I just spent the past 24 hours reading a book about anti-gravity.

I just couldnt put it down.

Breaking News: Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys practice was delayed two hours today after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Jerry Jones immediately suspended practice and called the police. After analysis, experts confirmed it was the goal line. Practice resumed once officials decided the Cowboys were unlikely to see it again this season.

What did one egg say to the other?
I just got "laid"

I like rare delicacies, but after a long time, I went back to chicken
It tasted like bald eagle

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!