My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
I'm developing a game where you have to go back in time to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake
3 sisters married 3 brothers3 sisters married 3 brothers, one day the 3 brothers went off to work leaving the 3 pregnant sisters at the eldest brother's and eldest sister's home.
The sisters got to chatting and realised that their husbands were taking care of them all too well and not letting them do much work. So they decided to change that and set about doing odd jobs all over their houses to say thank you to their husbands for all that they do.
After painting her kitchen, the eldest sister went into labour and after a few pushes bore a baby apple, the second sister, after rewiring the garage, went into labour and gave birth to a baby banana, the 3rd sister, after landscaping the back garden, gave birth to a baby orange.
The sisters were all shocked and met together to congratulate their hard work and discuss their new babies. When the 3 brothers came home, they were welcomed in by the 3 sisters who said..
Come, see the fruits of our labours.
A woman takes a sip of her coffee and winces at how terrible it is...
She calls her lawyer: "This coffee my husband made is so bad it's a crime." The lawyer replies "Bring out the coffee dregs, please..." She does as told. "What you have in you hand, ma'am," the lawyer continues, "is "grounds for divorce".
A hunting tripA hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.
He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.
At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, "Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?"
The guide cracks up laughing, "Are you serious? We're in the middle of Wyoming and you're asking where the restroom is?"
"Well it's kinda an emergency." the hunter says.
The guide says, "You just hang your ass over that log over there. We're roughing it today, Sport!
So,the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper so he asks his guide, What do I use to clean up with?
The guide says, You got a dollar?
The hunter says, "I do"
The guide says, "Just use that!"
The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.
The guide says, "What the hell, man. What happened to you?"
The hunter says, "You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"
My wife smiled at me and said, I had no idea our son would go that far!" I laughed and said, I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Let's get our daughter!"
What be a pirates favorite letter?
Some one answers R, you think it be R but a pirates heart belongs to the C
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
The doctor says Im okay, but I feel like Ive dyed a little inside
How does one define a Dad Joke?The short answer?
Its kind of hard to do, but you know when you hear one!
The long answer?
Iiiiitttttsss kkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnddd oooooffff hhhaaaarrrddd tttooooo dddooooo, bbbuuutttt yyyyooooouuuu kknnnnoooowww wwwhhheeeennnn yyyyoooouuuuu hhhheeeeaaaaarr oooonnneee!!!!!
A husband walks into the house looking very serious.His wife asks,
Why do you look like you just lost a million dollars?
He sighs and says, I did something terrible today I forgot your birthday.
The wife crosses her arms. You forgot my birthday?! Thats it. Tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 5 seconds.
The husband nods nervously.
Next morning, the wife rushes outside and sees a bathroom scale.
At the MonasteryA young monk named Brother Daniel arrived at a quiet monastery in the hills of Pennsylvania.
His job was to help the other monks copy the old church rules by hand.
After a few days, Daniel noticed something odd.
Every monk was copying from another copy, not from the original manuscript.
Daniel thought about it and became concerned.
If the first copy had a mistake, he said, that mistake would be repeated forever.
So he went to see the elderly head monk, Father Thomas, and explained his worry.
Father Thomas nodded slowly and said, You make a very good point, my son.
Ill go check the original manuscripts in the archive downstairs, he said.
Theyve been locked away in the vault for many years.
Hours passed, and Father Thomas didnt come back.
Daniel started to worry and went down into the dim stone cellar to find him.
Inside the vault he saw Father Thomas banging his head against the wall and crying.
We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!
Daniel rushed over in alarm.
Father Thomas, whats wrong?
With tears in his eyes, the old monk looked up and groaned.
The word was celebrate!
Smoking in HeavenA guy is at the Pearly Gates and he sheepishly asks St. Peter if smoking is allowed in heaven. "Well technically yes but..." Oh wow! Really?! Can I have one now?!
'Ok.Reach into your pocket' came the exasperated reply.
Sure enough a full package of his favorites were right there. But then he realizes he needs a light. He flicks his thumb at St. Peter asking for a lighter.
St. Peter says 'Here we go...!
Suddenly thousands of Angels begin singing, an epic parade of the Heavenly Host march towards him with all kinds of pomp and circumstance. Then at the end of the long line of drummers, flag bearers, and horn blowers, one little cherub brings his request on a tiny silken pillow.
The man, completely stunned by what just happened stares at St. Peter trying to get a clue and St. Peter shrugs says
"What'd you expect? It's a match made in Heaven."
One bird cant do the tango
But toucan
Madame Tussauds has never completed a figure of Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi...
This is because every time they put the wax on they have to take the wax off.
Bruce and Jenny
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" !
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce replies instantly, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think little Bruce is so cute anymore.
What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons
I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the groundI told her that I should be leading the x-men.
She said "why"
I said "because I'm professor egg savior"
"Where did Fozzy bear take his dog?""Where?" said the guy
I replied..."For a walka walka walka"
"Have you learned the different Spanish words for everything?"
"No, but its on my todo list."
What did one saggy boob say to another?
If we don't get some support , people are going to think we're nuts!
Which variety of Tea can you throw the furthest?
Hurl Grey
A dog walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out!" and shoots him in the foot as the dog runs away.
The dog returns the next day wearing a holster with a gun in it and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"
What's a stripper's favourite automotive brand?
Polestar!