Last night a man was hit over the head with a violin, then a clarinet and finally a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.

Ive lost control I dont see an end Theres no escape I dont even have a home anymore. Sigh
Guess its time to buy a new keyboard.

A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just wanna fool around?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance."

Why does the atheist debater idolize Mike Tyson?
Because he punches people in the faith

When you fart it can be either silent or loud
And then theres the turd option

What do you call a potato that is turned to the dark side
Darth Tater.

A fighter, a rogue, a mage, and a cleric walk into a bar...
...and the bartender says "sorry, we don't cater for parties".

(it's a bit niche for a dad joke, sure, but I think it's still adequately paternal.)

A man in boxer shorts has been arrested
After leading police on a brief chase.

What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past.

New York is the exact opposite of Minnesota. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where
Minneapolis

My fiend complained that he always drives me around, but I never pay him back.
So I asked him for his wallet, let out a giant fart into it, closed it, and handed it back to him. I gave him gas money.

I had to explain to my 4 year old son that it's ok to poop your pants
He is still making fun of me though

I saw a crime being committed at an Apple store.
I was an iwitness

What do you call a group of ants living up your rectum?
A colon-y

How do you tell the sex of ant?
Put it in water.

If it sinks... Girl ant.

If it floats... BOYANT

My uncle had a tragic accident at work, he fell into the upholstery machine.
Did he die?

No, hes fully recovered

There used to be a statue of a naked man and a woman facing each other's direction.
For hundreds of years they were like that, when a wizzard came by and felt pity for them and casted a spell that gave the statues life for 1 hour.

they didnt wait a second and ran to the bushes, where people could hear laughing and moaning. after some time of that, the statues came out of the bushes and the wizard said "you guys still have another 30 min, if you want to do that again".

the woman's statue looked at the man's statue and said "fine, but this time i'm holding the pigeons and you the one who poo over them!"

What do you call a guy with Botox lips?
Phillip

Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without throwing up?
Jerry can.

When a woman has a baby, why is it called delivery?
It's pretty obvious that it's takeout.

I recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs
I got a match straight away

Did you know Cardi B has a sister who's into fitness?
Cardi-O

Did you hear the rumor about the butter?
Well Im not going to spread it!

What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta

I heard the US mint stopped making pennies
It makes no cents!!