Which is heavier?
Forgive me if this is a repeat, but my dad just told me this joke so I think it qualifies for this sub.

Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

the water, because butane is a lighter fluid.

I complained to my son, "Its a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore!"
The T.V. we just bought says, Built in Antenna and to be perfectly honest...

"I dont even know where that is!"

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature

what does have 5 toes and isnt your foot
my foot lol, sorry it was bad

Why are centipedes always late for practice?
Because they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.

I got fired for putting my hair in a bun.
I hate this burger joint.

What do you call a line of men standin in line to get their haircut ?
Barbeque

Lions would never drive drunk.
But a Tiger Wood.

This weekend, we were barbecuing in the backyard. My wife called out through kitchen window, "Honey, would you please flip the sausages so that they don't burn?"
I said, "Don't worry, the wurst is over".

A man walked into a bar
He put a Sony Walkman from Japan on the bar. Then he put a blaupunkt car stereo from Germany on the bar. Then he put a Bang & Olufsen hifi from Denmark on the bar. Then he put a generic branded boom box from China on the bar.
The barman said to him " Sorry, we don't allow jokes based on stereo-types from different countries in here"

As a pyromaniac, I've had a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend.
I'm still looking for a match.

My wife got me good
Was making chicken salad in the kitchen, I jumped in to slice grapes in half and my wife, who was tired of chopping all the food said, I grapely appreciate the help! Haha I could be more proud. :)

What furry mammal complies with the IEEE 802.3 standard?
The Ether Bunny

I got my picture taken yesterday...
Im still hoping I can get it back.

Do you want to come to a naked party?
Id love tojust let me find something nice to take off."

2 deers walk out of gay bar
One deer says to the other I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there

Look man i only have 4 bombs. Ill even open my bag and show you.
See? 4.

To whoever stole my diving gear:
"Youve really sunk low."

What do you call someone who is 10% asian?
Slight-lee

People don't often daydream about railway systems.
It's too easy to lose your train of thought.

I asked for a diamond necklace, but you gave me one with a black gemstone?!
Thats onyx-eptable!

I took my car in for a service yesterday.
It's still stuck in the church doorway.

Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because He was a little chicken.

My friend works at CXI.
So I dropped by to exchange a few words.