On our weekend anniversary getaway, I told my wife, You can be on top tonightall night long if you want. I can handle it.
She looked at our hotel suite and muttered, I still cant believe I agreed to bunk beds.
My sister was telling me how last year it cost her $20 to get 50 balloons blown up for my niece's birth, but this year it cost $30 and they didn't even blow them up as big.
I said, "unfortunately we have little control over inflation".
Just had my vasectomy. They said Id feel strange after.
But I dont feel a vas deference.
My wife says "I'm going to try to go poop.""There is no try," I said. "There is only doo."
Man, the look she gave me was worth it.
Did you hear about the new machine that only clones bears?I said, did you hear about the new machine that only clones bears?
I'm sorry, but it does bear repeating.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling well...
I tried coffee for the first time today. I took my first sip and spit it out. I said to the barista, "this coffee tastes like mud!"
He said "It should be. It was ground this morning."
Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman?
She was schwepped off her feet!
Frankenstein entered a body building contest
But he had misunderstood the objective.
Why wouldn't the Dutch mother let her little girl eat candy?
Because it would Rotterdam teeth!
I saw my buddy eating from a bin full of trash.
It was junk food.
Did you guys know there's a term for somebody with 12 boobs?They call it "extreme polymastia"
Sounds kind of weird dozentit?
I thought taxidermists had monotonous jobs
But it turns out they do a lot of stuff.
My grief counselor died.
He was so good that I didn't even care.
I gave my shoes a map
Now they're taking steps in the right direction
Do yall remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a week back
Did you know, humans eat more bananas than monkies?
I mean, when did you see a human eat a monkey?
Running into a stationary object can be quite painful
according to a local pole.
Why did all the furniture in the house think the mirror was the most deep and wise?
It was known for reflecting all day.
What do you call a British tree based car?
An Aspen Marten
People in the US smile
People in Europe skilometer
What do you call a bioluminescent waterfowl?
A glow-in-the-duck.
have you heard the news about the elephant with diarrhea?
it's all over town.
A blond selling a car
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Albert einstein was a great man
But his brother frank was an absolute monster