A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.

I am very conflicted about my right glove.
On one hand I love it, but on the other hand I hate it.

I just came up with this and Im really proud of myself.

I can still remember what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket.
He said, How far do you think I can kick this bucket?

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. 'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

Why is cyclops in charge of the X-Men?
Because professor X made him a super visor.

I had a goal to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year.
Only 30 pounds to go...

Why do ducks have tails?
To cover their butt quacks

Alternatively,

Because Sonic won't pay the ransom

Both courtesy of my 5 year old!

My son got fed up with me saying things were wack.
So he started counting and announcing how many times I said this or that was wack. I finally sat him down and explained it was inappropriate to tally wacks.

What do you call karate for people with one arm?
Partial arts

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.
For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it
He rings the police and says he thinks hes found a bomb in a sandwich.

Operator: is it tickin?

Paddy: no its Ham and Cheese

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
Da Brie is everywhere!

What do you call a rectangle that just saw an attractive woman?
Erectangle

Dad: Did you know your mother grew up in a coven? Daughter: No! Which one?
Dad: yes exactly

Why is 9 afraid of 3?
Because he was squared of him.

What does Santa wear?
Santa Cloth.

What do the lady reindeers do on Christmas eve? [NSFW]
Head to town and blow a few bucks.

Red-Headed Baker
Did you hear about the red-headed baker who tried out for the track team? When the race started his opponents heard him singing, Run. Run as fast as you can. You cant catch me. Im the ginger bread man.

How does anyone learn origami?
Seems like everyone folds right away

How do you stop a bull from charging?
You cancel its credit card.

Did you hear the story about the corduroy pillow?
Apparently its making headlines.

Why are scarecrows lousy debaters?
They're always relying on strawman arguments!

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark Christmas movies.

What do you call a dilapitated house for horses?
The unstable.